The juicy burgers at Black Tap have often been a comfort to me. I’m an emotional eater and when I have a bad day at work I like to gorge on fried food and gulp down sugary drinks. Black Tap is the ultimate mall-grade restaurant for emotional eaters because they have calorie-worthy food.
Flossie’s rating: ★★★★
A good burger
There are two critical components that make a good burger. The first is having a thick, prime-beef patty cooked to a lush medium-rare. When I’m eating a burger I want to see plenty of meaty pinks and reds, and I want to feel those fatty juices dripping down my chin with every bite.
The second important quality is the burger bun. This is all too often underestimated in burger joints. I mean, how on earth did brioche buns become a thing? No, no, no. The bun needs to be soft and plain-tasting (wholemeal is a bonus) in order to complement and not overpower the beef patty.
If you get these two aspects right, everything else is a luxury. So consider the burgers at Black Tap to be the equivalent of Chanel – pure, high-end fucking luxury! When I bite into one of their mammoth babies I feel all my stresses melt away. Juicy, soft, comforting, just like snuggling into a luxurious bed after a long day of work.
Black Tap has twelve different craft burgers on their menu. I don’t like to mess about with a classic and so I usually order the All-American Burger for $22, which comes with a prime beef patty, lettuce, tomato, pickles, American cheese and special sauce.
However, I have been known to order their Chilli Cheese Burger from time-to-time, which has beef, house chilli, American cheese, zesty cheese sauce and fried onions rings. I didn’t realise when I first ordered this, but “chilli” is fried, spicy beef mince (as in chilli con carne). Therefore this burger is a meat overload and with the addition of frizzled onion rings (which are more batter than onion), it is definitely a heart stopper. I feel disgusted with myself whenever I eat a Chilli Cheese Burger, although that doesn’t stop me from ordering it again the next time.
Sides are a must
Black Tap stands out from other burger joints because they can also fry a good chip. The chips here are fat and soft, like the plump fingers of a privileged adolencent boy. This type of chip is known as an “Idaho fry” in American lingo. They taste way-better than their skinny cousins served at McDonalds, known as the “French fry”. However, if you are trying to be more healthy there are plenty of other side dishes on the menu to choose from such as onion rings, teriyaki broccoli and buttermilk coleslaw.
Now for the good part… the drinks
If I’m feeling somewhat down-in-the-dumps I’ll usually order a cocktail as a form of self-punishment. The cocktails at Black Tap taste like sugar-laden juices found at the bottom of a really stinky kitchen bin. If you really hate yourself, order the slushie Spicy Pina for $20, which is just like crushed ice smashed with sugar cubes and rimmed with paprika.
For those who are totally miserable and need some serious cheering up followed by self-loathing, then I suggest ordering one of the Black Tap signature Crazy Shakes. One shake is probably worth 3,000 calories and they taste like a bloated Mr Whippy. I’ve ordered the Brooklyn Blackout shake before, which is a chocolate milkshake served with a chocolate frosted rim and mini chocolate chips topped with a chocolate brownie, whipped cream and chocolate drizzle, yikes! The Cake Batter shake is also tempting, made with a vanilla frosted rim and rainbow sprinkles topped with a funfetti cake slice, whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles and a cherry.